Adventures in (Blind) Dating

So a friend of mine, let’s call him “Ben”, tried to set me up on a blind date yesterday.  I’m pretty cool about friends trying to set me up, so I was like, “Sure, let’s do this!”

I get the basics from him.  Been in LA for a few months.  Came from Taiwan.  Speaks some English.  Call her that night.

“Hi!  Is Nina there?” (in Chinese)

“…this is Nina.”

“Hi!  How are you?  I’m Stephen.  (in English now) I’m Ben’s friend.  I think you guys had dinner together last night?”

“Errr…” 

Silence.  Ok.  It’s rapidly becoming clear this girl speaks less English than Ben had let on.  No problem!  I speak Chinese!

“I’m Ben’s friend.  You guys had dinner together last night?”

“Errr…” 

Silence.  Ok.  Now there’s a problem.  This is pretty much on the ooopposite end of the spectrum from “OHAI !  Stephen right?  Ben said you’d call!”

This was the point when I realized that the call was going to go much differently than I’d planned. 

Listen up boys and girls.  If you ever set your friend up on a blind date, make sure the person being contacted is expecting to be contacted!  The difference between doing this and NOT doing this is the difference between "Anticipating a call from an intriguing stranger" vs. "Getting a random call out of the blue from some stalky creeper".  If you don’t set your friend up for success, don’t be surprised if you get an ear full from said friend the next day.

Back to the call.

I mean, my Chinese is pretty good, but not good enough to sweet talk my way out of something like this.  “Omg I’m sorry.  Did Ben not tell you I’d call?  This is awkward.  Haha!  …. Etc.”  It would have been an even proposition at best if she spoke English, but as it was, the best I could do was:

“Ben tells me you haven’t been in LA very long, and…"

(At this point I was trying to figure out how to say “…and that you didn’t know very many people, so I was thinking maybe I could take you out and show you around town?”  But the best I could come up with was...)

"...I was thinking, are you free this Sunday?”

Ya.  That was the best I could do on short notice in my second language.  You see, my English tool box has all sorts of cool things like tape measures, levels, and 96 piece Allen Wrench sets.  But when I reached into my Chinese tool box, I could only find this:

"Uhh... I thought he meant that we could all go out together sometime?  I think that way, there won't be as much pressure..."

At this point, I just wanted to get off the phone.  This is why I don’t like to talk on the phone.  Especially when it comes to this kind of stuff.  Writing is my weapon of choice.

"Oh!  No problem!  I totally understand.  Let me talk to Ben and maybe he can set something up, okay?  Okay.  Buh bye."

Lobstery

So I’m going to NYC over Labor Day weekend. Like a true geek, I’ve already got my food tour mapped out. On the list are two Jewish delis, two pizza places, and Mario Batali’s restaurant. Also on the list (for reasons that would take entirely too long to explain here) are three, count-em… *three* different places for lobster rolls. Is NY even known for lobster rolls? Shouldn’t I be going to Boston or Maine for that? It’s a good thing I like lobster and mayo.

In the spirit of science, I decided that I needed to eat some sort of baseline lobster roll in order for me to properly judge the awesomeness of its NY counterparts. As I was researching online for a suitable version in LA, I find out that this place I drive by all the time in Alhambra was having a “lobster fest”. They had lobster bisque, steamed lobster with butter, and of course lobster rolls. I pretty much went to try it that night.

Not recommended. Guys, this thing was so pitiful looking that I didn’t know whether to eat it… or bring it home, feed it, and take care of it until it grew into a proper lobster roll. I’ve had maybe one of these in my life (in Boston), but even I knew it wasn’t supposed to be this bad. First of all, the sandwich was tiny. For $11, was I wrong to expect something a bit more substantial? It also wasn’t very lobstery. When you’re selling a lobster sandwich as part of a “lobster fest”, you generally want to make sure that your sandwich contains recognizable pieces of you know… lobster. Even Rubio’s does a decent job with this with their lobster burrito. Now I’m not saying there wasn’t a legitimate amount of lobster in there. If this sandwich were a multiple choice question, lobster would definitely be an option. It’s just that the filling was so chopped up and mixed beyond all recognition that it took on this fibery consistency that actually reminded me of crab. Add to that the waaay overbuttered roll, and the whole experience was rather disappointing. The good new is that with this sad little guy as the baseline, my NY lobster extravaganza has nowhere to go but up.

[in case you were wondering, this post used the word “lobster” 16 times. 17 if you count “lobstery”.]

You know what’s been annoying me lately?

People who don’t swim freestyle at the gym pool.  You can easily spot these people because they’re the same one who are either lounging around chitchatting, playing in the water doggy paddling or some other shit, swimming a crooked backstroke and crashing into everybody, or taking up an entire lane to themselves with the butterfly or the breaststroke.  Hello?  Asshole?  There’s only 3 lanes for 10 swimmers here.  How ‘bout you NOT be an idiot and share the lane?  Wanna practice your Olympic form Fly?  Go join the Rose Bowl and pay for your own fucking personal lane.  People are trying to work out here.

Also, WTF is it with Asians and the breaststroke?  For the older generation especially, it’s like the only goddamn stroke they seem to know.  Almost invariably, the older Asian man with the ass slow breaststroke will decide to hop in a lane with 3 freestylers who have been harmoniously swimming circles for the past 1000m and completely fuck up our rhythm.  God that pisses me off.  They should just outlaw this slow as fuck, lane hogging stroke when there are more than 2 people per lane.

Before you say anything, *of course* I understand that everybody’s a paying customer, and that people should have the right to use the pool as they please.  That’s why I never actually complain to these people.  I just bottle it up and let it stew.  It’s healthier that way.

So I went to the track yesterday...

A good friend of mine decided to spend her birthday at the Del Mar racetrack near San Diego. Apart from a visit to Santa Anita years ago, it was only my second time to a race track... and I ended up having a lot more fun than I thought I would. Maybe all that tequila had something to do with it. Okay. That, and winning almost $400 on a single race.

See, I have this coworker who is crazy about horse racing. Naturally I send him an email last week asking who I should bet on this weekend. He promises to text me that morning if he found anything interesting. So on the way down yesterday, I finally get a text from something out of a spy novel:

"Just a hunch. Race 4, Horse 10."

I grinned like I just received the coordinates of Osama bin Laden's secret lair.

By the end of Race 3, I was already 2 beers and 4 shots in as I marched towards the betting window in that resolute way only a drunk man can march. Apparently, there is a "right" way to make a horse bet, and I didn't want to F it up and look like a noob. I practiced repeating the bet over and over in my head like an inebriated actor rehearsing his lines. When it was finally my turn at the window, I aced it:

"Del Mar Race 4. $50 to win on 10."

I'll tell ya now, there ain't *nothing* more exciting than a horserace when you have $50 on a horse chosen by text message. And few things more exhilarating than when said horse WINS. My throat is still sore today from all the screaming I did in that one race.

What followed was a series of text messages in quick succession:

"WINNER!!!! I *so* owe you lunch!"

"How much your win ticket pay?"

"$370!"

"OK you can buy me a lunch!"

One friend also made $370 off the same tip, while two others made $168 each. We were a very happy bunch. 

Giddy off the win, we decided to bet $5 in the next race too, on a horse because we liked his name--"Where's the Remote?" He won too! Made us $15 each. Feeling like we had a good thing going, we bet $5 on the race after that based on the winner of a 3-way game of Rock/Paper/Scissors. Yup. These are the ridiculous ideas we come up with when we're drunk and playing with house money. Alas, that was when our luck ended. With an extra $380 in my wallet, I decided that was the end of my betting for the day. :)